phew good morning vietnam it is 8 am pacific time and i am feeling mighty ambitious today. feeling a little bit better after watching amelie last night. nothing like a cute and cozy french film about an introverted girl in her twenties slowly facing her fears and living her life after dedicating her life to helping others that kicks your doing thingy drive core back into gear. that, and a talk from your cousin that being "a problem" isn't that bad after all. or rather him shattering the expectation that waiting for some "big revelation" for things to be better is the exact reason why you're not. big cringe, but it was needed.
this morning, i wanna spend some time actually addressing something. yada yadda ambition. so there's actually a lot and i mean A LOT of things that i want to do in my life, and me being here means that i'm at least taking certain steps to getting them done or out there. but nah fam, i'm actually just a dreamer most of the time that prefers living out the imagined feeling of getting things done in their head. reality is pretty fucking prickly. feelings and shit. embarrassment and judgment and phew these are things that i'd rather not focus on anymore.
ok, let's start with some babby ambitions. this one's for you, sicong. i want to drink some water. couple gulps, done. i want to write 250 words in less than oop nvm already had that done, okay, how about 500 words in less than 12.5 minutes. sure i can get that done easy okay, let's go bigger.
i want to do 100 accents and impressions. it can be pretty easy to do, but i would like to choose the format for this one, primarily one that would be simple to get to later, like twitter voice of cartman reading the five rules of gathering, like what we did in vivek's variety hour? yeahhhh, okay that i can do today. i want to make more shitposts in general. you know the one that you wanna do.
i also want to make more threads. christine does an amazing job as a threader and note-taker. it's surprisingly refreshing, so i can see that taking inspiration for you talking about the 1000 tweet goal you made, the [[SQUIGGLE SCREECH]] meme, the idea of aa fuck what was i going to type uggghhhh how about something about toro y moi?? aapi shit, like some thread of trying out filipino snacks omg gummmm yummm hahaha gum yum. oh, okay, there is a thread that i wanted to write a long time, which was about vinny and vibecamp, but i feel like this deserves a screech instead.
okay, this is something that i realize that is holding me back on twitter all the time. everything that i post on there is always so fucking big, like it is trying to scream for "omg hi i'm trying to farm likes, pls like me" rather than just "here is something on my mind, what do you think??" maybe it's because, i spend way and i mean wayyyyyyy too much fucking time just writing what goes on my tweet, because "every tweeet is sacred." just like every sperm. ah fuck sit down monty python. ugh, well, there is also this problem of not being able to do anything when you feel like shit. richard bartlett had a much needed thread of how to conduct oneself on the timeline when you don't feel at your best, which i empathize with heavily because i've been feeling like this when i'm about to go have fun with twitter friends irl, it's like my fucking body shuts down from feeling good because it's physically preparing itself to be disappointed. and that's the thing that i'm assuming that i want to break with this ambitious streak, slowly titrating out that i want to connect more with people, but i'm constantly terrified purely out of my own upbringing and conditioning that people will use their capability and strength to hurt me. which is fucking hilarious if i think about it. the one place that i choose to be vulnerable, desire to be seen, is the one place that i am least psychologically prepared to do so. it's cosmically just muah chef kiss.
well, i think i just passed 500 words by a mile. so let's keep going. there are other things that i would like to do, but like my friend peter says, there's somethings that take up too much of my time, even though i'm funemployed right now, that i would have it rather go to other things. and i truly feel that. there's a lot going on in my head that i want to get out, but don't have the power to because there's so many other fucking things trying to grab our attention at every moment. but, at least, all we have to do to be okay is to write. there's some things that i would still like to do, thank fucking god. and there's somethings that i know can get done, all i need to do is to Manage Your Psychology.
and to be honest, doing these squiggle screeches are just the way to do exactly that. because here, i feel seen in ways that i never really expected to here. like people actually care about these screeches and without me even asking them to. maybe there is something here. i just read the first one yesterday, and lemme say that it was actually pretty fire. what a great fucking way to start off this substack, russel. just jerk myself off real quick, okay eww nah fam that ain't the vibe right now. maybe a little pat on the back, or even better, a self shoulder massage like what jane talks about. yea, i think that is a good celebration. just did a couple right now and it does feel really fucking nice . some necks rolls are sorely needed too. okay after this we gonna do a quick body tuneup.
is there anything else that you feel like you wanna get done sometime this week, this month, this year. okay, let's think big for the last few minutes. i wanna start outputting all my notes from introspect and start threading them on twitter. i think visa would really appreciate that. theres some banger fucking remixes in there and i feel like it's. time they see the light of day. i want to move. like physically move out of san diego and start living somewhere else, either on my own, or with a few friends. i want to have a job, a remote job, to fiat mine and sustain myself while trying to get whatever this is off the ground. i want to make music, whatever that means to me. either through my impressions, sketches, verses, or beats. anything is on the table for me. fuck i even consider this music right now, all you have to do is just listen. i want to make friends, closer friends, more intimate relationships, more shared understandings, this is gonna be the hardest one i think, because i'm good at starting shit, but i would like to get better at keeping things going. but i am doing good at keeping this going, aight timer's up i'll see you tomorrow, love ya.Discussion about this post
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