phew do you think i can write a screech legibly while listening to faces by mac miller? only time will tell. it is going to be an interesting experiment to see what will come out of this session. this is the first time that i am writing to actual raps. maybe i might be able to type in cadence to the beat that would be fuking something. i am reminded of my screech while listening to waiting for the end by linkin park. images of cyclones and shallow waters enter my mind. still one of my favorite sessions. might be worth to publish publicly.
one thing that i am considering is publishing previous screeches even though it's not fresh. there are actually a few screeches that upon reflection are pretty fucking fire. my jailbreak. seeing the walls of the prison of my creation and embracing the bars that i have lovingly protected myself with. also, there's the ahhh shit i forgot, i definitely think there's one more that i would like to mention, but i think it will come to me later in the screech.
anyways, how the fuck are you.? damn i am feeling hyyyyype. going to my first festival in a few hours this fucking neo soul hip hop rnb fest that is going to host all my niche pocket artist that is shared with the heartbeat of los angeles. feels suitable that my first ever festival would take place here. all of my favs are from the area. i mean this place fucking lives and breathes music.
maybe that's why the los angeles siren call feels particularly strong right now. that, and all of the amazing people that i have hung out with over the past couple of days. it really is a small world man, all of the people from college that i haven't seen in forever that exudes the right fucking vibes just end up residing in la. i mean, they're literally calling me to come and stay for a bit. i might hold them up to it.
one of the things that i am considering as bottlenecks for coming here are twofold: financial stability and personal boundaries. both of these things have been test stressing over 48 hours and i think i'm having a better idea of how to address both bottle necks.
getting a job feels less daunting now that i am aware of the opportunities that are presented to me. it's nice to have friends that can encourage your life paths and can actually help each other succeed rather than succumbing to crab mentality. things feel like they are crawling into place, all i got to do is pay my attention and manage my place, both externally and internally. vague sketches again, but i am noticing that i am self censoring a bit, just because of the other bottleneck: personal boundaries.
man this is something that i feel sorely lacking skill in. definitely felt some embarrassing moments where i noticed some violation of personal boundaries, either my own or for other people. and this is something that i feel like is the most important thing for me to work on right now.
if a person is an interface, would make sense to understand what all my suitable inputs are so things don't bug the fuck out, and this goes for anybody. we're all casually stumbling through these boundaries, and it takes a special amount of sensitivity to start holding space, taking account, externally modifying, negotiating, making dongles and shit. it's all cultural in that sense?? it's a frame too, so there are things that are outside of people's jurisdictions that you wouldn't really know exist until you step over them. which is fucking scary and vulnerable.
it's also a consideration of how much you identify with being a person acting in bad faith once you see that you are overstepping a boundary. i think i'm starting to feel for myself as a person who is acting in good faith with others. otherwise, i end up feeling like shit all the time. how people feel is not my responsibility. my response-ability is the only thing that i can really focus on, so might as well get good at knowing how i do respond to things and how that is held by other people and myself.
it's all this one big fucking social game. it's THE social game, the infinite game, and we are always in the position to get better at it. every boundary can be renegotiated, so, might as well become familiar and comfortable with how wobbly it all is. things aren't as fixed as we think they are, but i guess this is also something that is also in constant negotiation with myself?
maybe the thing that can guide me, just based on how my qualia interface works is through the emotional hypertrain. you know, i am really starting to believe? internalize? notice? integrate that emotions and the body work quicker than the mind. it's the extension of the stimuli that we are constantly absorbing beyond my conscious awareness, so it makes sense that it would be my guidepost for navigating these waters well. like reaching your hands to the current to see where you're going. those polynesian bastards knew what's up.
but the fun part is that we get to discover this for ourselves. we may be land-locked. but the water finds a way to flow. the wave must be surved across all the channels. cultivate it , become one withit . whooo this is very wooooo but fuck it it's my screech. i'm having a lot of fun writing this right now, i hope you're noticing it hahaha.
god getting a large coffee is one helluva drug. that, and sleep deprivation. i can't believe that i am a heart still beating, but i feel like it's best not to question it too much. until the right questions present itself. and i trust myself to ask the right questions at the right time. and if i don't there's always another wave to ride. i guess that is the beauty of what i'm doing right now. i'm cultivating a wave for myself to take part of larger waves that are constantly being distributed across the cultural millieu. i take no claim for where this shit comes from, nor should i. i am just a beautiful fucking vessel. the cup that overfloweth. that's pretty cool. water metaphors fuck yea, goddam n i am succh a pisces. with a virgo moon. take that under consideration. i'm still trying to chew on that shit.
well, we got thirty seconds left so i just wanna say thank you again for reading. it's okay to forget to like and subscribe. i love you.
