YOU KNOW you know that feeling that you get when you really want something, something so badly that you know just how to get there and it looks so clear the path that you can take to get there, it looks so easy to walk through, and you just don't go through it? you know, i'm feeling that right now. this choice of death, i don't want to die but i constantly have a death wish, knowing that a part of me will die so that a better part of me can keep going. this is fucking wack. this all means so much, but the only way to actually make it through all this is by embracing that it also means nothing. the void. it's all there, should i just let go and see what happens? am i going through depression of meaningfulness rather than the lack of meaning? everything that i do leads to a constant stream of events that all coalesce and foam into each other and keeping track of all of it is really fucking hard. it's this lack of something, this lack of what idontevenfucking know, coherence? drive? passion? i know it's not the previous two. maybe it's faith. faith that i can get out of it alive. maybe it's the fact that even though things don't really mean anything, that it will all be okay regardless. this is probably the thing that i'm suffering through right now. your problems can constantly change and move through another castle after castle, but it aint gonna mean shit, if you keep going to the castle where your problem used to be rather than where it is now. what do you need right now, king? what are you feeling? i'm feeling like i want to talk to my friend. so you can. that's totally fine. the text doesn't have to mean anything more than wanting to talk to a friend. it can mean exactly what you want it to mean at that very moment, nothing more nothing less. no wonder why you're so fucking stressed all the time, you're accounting for every piece of information that you can get your hands on and weaving it all together into one map of meaning, and you've managed to bungle up where exactly you are right now by focusing too fucking much on the map! that's goddamn hilarious. omg you poor child. you think that the completed map is going to save your life and knowing everything that's out there will prepare you for anything that will come your way. you thinking mcthoughtboi, i love your drive and passion towards a complete map, but you don't really need anything more than seeing where you're at right now and working your way through that. sure, you can envision yourself 50 years into the future, but let future you worry about that. right now, the best way that you can serve the person who may be reading this later is by focusing your time and energy on the things that are right in front of you that you want to see more of, and keep going. that's all you have to do. it's stupidly simple i know, it kind of infuriates me too, but you know, what. fuck it, you're tired. i'm tired, we're all tired of keeping this crazy fucking map in our head. it was a good try though, you gotta admit. just rip that map up, go on, you can start from scratch. the fact that you already made that map is all you really need to make a better one. it may be out on paper, but it's in your heart, and that's all you need to pay or rather focus your attention on, it makes all the difference. once you start a fire, it begins to flicker a bit. it gets brighter, and once the fire starts growing, you can keep making it brighter and brighter. look you even bungled up a little bit in getting a fire going, but you were able to get seven emoji fires out again. oh look it's eight now, you are able to recover gracefully. you have the ability to survive. you are a survivor. you have survived through so much, so much pain, and i can see the bungled map you made to navigate through that pain. but i don't think you need that map anymore. if you can take a leap of faith and trust me that the map doesn't mean anything anymore, you might find yourself opening up to the new possibilities. keep your eyes on me and i'll take this in with you. maybe if you'd like, we can get rid of the map in a way that respects its departure, rather than shredding it up into a million pieces. you have the ability to choose, what would you like? maybe a paper shredder, feed it to a couple wolves, or worse, put it in a fucking MUSEUM LOLOLOL. well, we are going to make a new map based on the things that we have experienced. right? but hoy i can see you eyeing that old map because it gave you a sense of safety, but trust me, you can make a better map. just by feeling everything around you. expose and trust in your pathos. your emotional integrity. if it feels like it needs to be put down, do it and do it quickly. if you don't feel totally compelled to do something even though you think you should, you can forgive yourself for the thinking getting in the way. and just try again. all these maps. all these tries. all these failures and disappointments have led you here to this very moment. nothing is more important than what is going on here right now. and i thank you for keeping your focus on me for this long. so i think you're ready to let go of the map, start fresh. and isn't that exciting? don't you feel burdened by following through on a map that is totally inaccurate? you can make a new one, it's okay. you have the ability to do so, even though you don't see it for yourself right now. even if the only thing that you can do right now is a line, a scribble in the sand and parchment. that is okay too, but you were listening to your heart, your pathos. that is what we are here to celebrate. the fire. getting brighter. the embers being allowed to flicker a bit more. i love you so much, buddy. you can let go now.
